The world according to Melanie *or* A Day in the Life

I have just finished reading the John Irving novel "The World According to Garp", which is lauded on the front cover as being a "Jubilant Bestseller". So now we attribute emotions to books? Perhaps it is the publishers who are Jubilant, all the way to the bank, anyway...

So, this is a day in the life of Moi...

Morgen

Breakfast buffet and some inner congratulations for the massive Sudoku puzzle I finished at 2 am last night. The girl needs a social life! Or maybe not... (keep reading...)
A while washing up and watching MTV (hair impossible. It is a horrible haircut and is all puffy and too layered and I woud weep about it all the time but the salt would end up damaging the poor hair even more!) and then I slipped underground to the S-Bahn (in my new 70-centime skirt) and headed back to H&M. For one last look.

H&M *or* The Fax

Now, I am not critisizing anything or anyone. Honestly, I am not. I would just like to write a few lines about today´s trip to H&M, the clothing store. Although H&M is much more. It is a treasure trove of fun, inexpensive clothing. It is a psychologist´s office, when shopping therapy is necessary. No matter where I travel, H&M is there. It is also (or it was, today) a microcosm of German society:

As I mentioned yesterday, there was an angebot where if one bought a piece of clothing, not only was it 70% orr, but there was a rabatt, so the second item of clothing was free. (See, I know German shopping words just fine!) I had bought a few things but I wanted one last look, and there are 3 H&Ms on one street.

So I arrived at the first store. They had an adorable green tanktop for 1.30€ for 2. Ja, JA! Only the size was not correct. The salesgirl there said to check out the other 2 stores to see if they had it there. None at the second store, but I did buy a much-needed visor for 20 centimes (32 cents). Although I found the black had which I thought I had lost yesterday stuffed in a carry-bag, I needed something I could wear without worrying about its loss. On to the third H&M. They had the tank tops. But the sale was over. It had ended 4 minutes ago, they told me. they had received A Fax. The sale was over. I protested, but rules were RULES. The FAX. I bought the shirts and went to the second H&M to object, where they too had just received the fax. The manager came over and asked what I wanted him to do. I told him: Give me one shirt for free. Should I be punished because I had walked too slowely? He repeated the Party Line about the fax. A shopper saw my distressed (trying to avoid fit pitchage, since it was all of 1.50 Canadian I was arguing over) tone and came over to help translate. She could not believe the situation. However, the fax had arrived and so I left, to try the first store. In the 20 minutes since I had left the store all traces of the rabatt had disappeared. The cashier agreed that I had gotten free shirts there that morning (I had bought 2 tanktops before going on this search. Okay, 4 tanktops. But I had a receipt, and it did not help my case at all!). She agreed that it was unfortunate that I could not get them now for these two tanktops. But, you see...

...a FAX had arrived...

Early Afternoon

As I had reserved a dirt-cheap (but probably dirt-ful) hotel for the night I was not so keen to go to it. So, I ate a gourmet lunch at the Golden Arches of Frankfurt (Mc-fleisch...)

And checked out the scary market int he square. Last year in this seaseon there had been a harvest festival with pumpkins and goats and sausage and Apfelwien and cheese. This year there was classy Maple Syrup von Kanada, sausage, and fruit, but there were also yapping robot dogs and a 1€ store (I bought some envelopes) and a huge underwear booth "Angebot, heute Angebot!" whose best seller - at least to the Korean tourists walking by - was men´s underwear with google elephant eyes and a trunk... you-know-where. Stretchable, depending on the wearer. Don´t fret brother dear, that is not the birthday present you are getting!

I went to the department store and bought some hair dye. 8-washes only, and maybe it will make my hair healthier. It did last time. Unfortunately the shop lady was I think trying to match it to my hair colour. But that is my natural colour! What is the point... oh well...
I stopped by the Clinique counter and smeared moisture surge all over my face... ahhh... moisture luxury!

Then I went to the Kino to see Mr. And Mrs. Smith. I figured that with a lot of action and a minimum of dialogue I could follow the plot without much effort. Strange theatre. They had to unlock the door to let each person in the Theatre. We were not locked in (I was somewhat anxious. I checked) but if one ran to the toilette one would be locked out...

Decent movie, I made up my own dialogue for the parts I didn´t understand. The English words ´baby´ and ´okay´ kept popping up. Cheap Tuesday thrills (it was cheap day at the theatres here too!). The one part that needed no translation is when Angela Jolie gave Brad Pitt a feel to see if he was concealing any weapons, and he announced (in his low dubbed German voice): "Nein. Das ist Alles Smith!" Tee hee.

(One Charlie and Cholo Factory question though: Why are the Oompa Loompas all identical? and why a surly middle-aged man needing a shave?! Was it a language thing?! Should I get it?!)


After the movie R called! She is home and it was soooo nice getting a call and talking to her! I chatted for 20 loovely minutes, and then visited the fruchtgummi store and bought some candy, and then headed back for a quite evening. S-Bahn again. Why pay, no-one ever checks?! (that is just hypothetical of course. I always pay!)


**

Can I buy you a drink?....
No.

I stopped at the Manhattan Hotel to get my stuff and to look up on their email computer where I was supposed to stay today - I had completely forgotten. There was a guy at the computer, so I patiently sat on the rattan sofa and waited my turn. Actually, by "waited my turn" I mean that I tried to subtily take a picture of his white sneakers, which were ringed with sequins. Silver and red sequins. Ugh, fashion no! And guess what...typical thing, moments later the guy was sitting on the rattan sofa beside me.

"Are you finished with the internet" I asked.
"Sure," he said, but let me buy you a beer.
I said no. He said why not. I said that I wasn´t thirsty and I did not like beer. Also that I was not in the habit of having drinks with guys I did not know. He pulled out his US Pentagon ID and said that since he worked for the Pentagon he would be safe. Well, I did not know about that, but free is free and he bought me a diat Coke and we sat at the hotel bar for awhile. Before sitting down I looked up the name of my hotel. After waiting ages for him to finish. He told me to hurry up and leave the computer for someone else. Hmm, not a very auspicious beginning for our fledging relationship. Still, I felt that this might be amusing and if not amusing than a funny story, so I did hurry up, and sat at the bar.

You can take the man out of Texas...

At the bar he did not make eye contact. *warning flag 1* (note about warning flags. Single ladies would be well to learn from this situation and recognize the warning flags. However, to those of you less well travelled I shall make it clear when you should be wary and where you should not. As a matter of course, when in doubt, go for wary. Don´t worry mum it ends fine!)
He sipped his Coke and told me that his name was Mike and that he came from Iraq, where he had been serving for one year. He was spending a couple of months travelling around Europe before he returned to Houston. He loved Germany. And Frankfurt. Except that there were no gyros. Only donairs. A man does not want to be offered a donair when he really wants a gyro. *??* I gestured towards his camera and said that he must have loads of good pictures then, to look at at home or to show to his children one day. He answered that he had pictures, yes, and videos, but they were of beheadings and other war-ful things *warning flag 2. Man boasts about death laptop footage* At least he did not offer to show it to me. I would have probably have said no, but.. it is better he did not offer. He told me about how he had spent his day in FFurt, and so did I. I told him that I had been to a movie and shopped etc. and he laughed in an indulgent ´oh that is so cute of her. Shopping. Bless her dear little heart´way. *warning flag 2. Woman as object.* He showed me his tattoo of texas on his forearm and talked about army stuff. He also showed me his schrapnel scar (on his neck...no warning flag needed) I mentioned that there was a movie theatre and he said he was interested in going. So I suggested we go later. (In as a not-as-a-date kind of way). We finished our Cokes and he paid (hee hee. Well, it had been his idea) and we left to walk to the movie theatre and to dump my stuff at my hotel. Or I tried to do all that. He seemed to think that he had a better idea. He suggested that I share his room and he would happily bunk on the floor. Why spend the money, and he WAS Pentagon (showing of second Pentagon ID). He actually suggested this 3 or 4 times but finally my ´absolutely not´ got into his thick Texan skull. And I said that the room was prepaid (lie) so it was not a money issue, but I appreciated his offer of gallancy. *warning flag 3, 4, and 5*

Meine liebe Joshua

"So," continued the conversation, "You must be like me. A Free Spirit. Doing whatever you want. *WF!6!* No, I said, I was not really. I have a very ight schedule for this trip. He asked if I had anyone waiting at home for me, and told me about his gf who was a "very loving (read: sexual) person" who just could not wait that year for him to come back. He got into moods sometime. *!* Looking at couples made him sad. *!* I said that couples did not bother me because soon I would be seeing Joshua again. Lovely Joshua would never cheat on me. Or I would kill him. And I would never cheat on him either. EVER.
Mike quickly said that he would never cheat on his gf either. Not sex that is. But just holding a woman, even if it is not one which he knows very well... *!!* We arrived at my hotel to find that it had been overbooked and I had been moved the hotel Continental, the much nicer hotel next door. The room is huge and lovely, although I have hardly seen it yet, as I went up there with Mike (who flirted with the girl at the front desk in Gernam so he thought that I would not understand. He asked her if she was working late and if she was lonely, and then asked her where a Gyro store was. NOT doner, Gyro. *!* As to the holding of woman comment, I have no idea what I sputtered in response. Something resembing a hearty "Not I!". Also he was pretty nervous when I mentioned that it was too bad the girl at the front desk could not find his meat of choice ( not lamb but meat meat MEAT) and he was a little taken aback that I could understand. Hee hee.

"But I Don´t Understand"

What does a Texan out of Texas talk about?
Meat!
I told him that I did not eat meat, and that poor Pentagon former-Soldier who had almost gotten killed in Iraq and had witnissed atrocities continually for the last year actually paled. "I just don´t understand," he said plaintively, "how could you not eat meat??"
I tried to comfort him by steering him towards a meat restaurant I had eaten at last year with an overfriendly Austrilian. After the cuddle conversation there was no way I was going in a darekened theatre with that guy, and dinner seemed safe. I pointed it out in the distance and he said that silly me, that was not the picture of a Gyro, it was a sundae with a cherry on top. Poor silly woman (pat pat my back. At least it was all sweaty from hauling my stuff to the hotel!) *!* I was right of course. Alas, they were not Gyros but Donairs (he wanted pork, they had lamb). Still, I ordered a Falafel and as he grabbed my arm to perhaps lead me to the table in a gentlemanly fashion. Grab arm, a bit too friendly. I good-naturedly pulled my arm away and walked unissisted to the table (aren´t I talented!)

Can ANYONE Get Hired There?

Mike was in a mood. He did not want to chat, he wanted to pout. I wanted to leave, but there was no polite way of doing so. I asked him what was wrong and he started ranting about how when I pulled my arm away it looked like we had been having a fight and how since he does not know anyone in Frankfurt now everyone on this street (which was, incidentally, Kaiserstrasse, that brothel-street I had stayed on last year. I had suggested it because I knew the area and I knew the streets would certainly not be empty) thinks that he is a horrible person who fights with his girlfriend. *!*!*!*!*

Sigh. I told him that we do not know anyone on this street and that I do not like to be touched (unspoken: by you). That I get a lot of negative attention around here and elsewhere when I am travelling and not to take it personally. ´Great´, I though, ´a nutter. A nutter who works as a specialist for the American Government. ´

Things I Really Did not Need to Know *!*

-He is actually from The Hood Texas.
-He has moods where he cannot stand to be around people
-Braveheart is his favourite movie (come on) Mel Gibson in a skirt?!
-Why did he join the army? Well, he was so busy dealing drugs to tourists in Miami beach that
he had never thought about a career. But the army said they would take him. That or jail.
-He raps. Or he would (and does, if drunk enough) but he can´t think up rhyms. Too hard. His stage name is Bubba from-the-Valley. How L.M. Montgomery-ish.

I wanted out. His bling (with which he was covered) was probably not even real. And then I found pass to freedom! Two girls walked by hand-in-hand. I will not ever repeat what he said, because it is ignorant and hateful, but I had found my out. I objected to his comment (which was pure malicious ignorande ending with that over-used Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve rhyme. How tiresome.) and when he said not to even get started with that topic I did. I waxed poetic (and loudly) about how it was a beautiful thing when two men could express their love and I had even sung at come commitment ceremonies and wasn´t it great that gay marriage was finally legal in Canada! He called for the cheque. He needed a nap. He did not even walk me to my hotel. He insisted on a good-bye hug, but it was worth it to be free again.

And now I am here. And that is a day in the life of Moi.